Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Amie un-edited.. blah blah blah. Just look at the pictures.

This is definitely not my journal, but sometimes I'm lazy and treat it like it is. 
Yesterday was a bad day. No reason. Just slump.  Felt like a true LOSER and no hope of ever not being one. ha!  Thanks to a husband who made me express my thoughts, I felt 40% better just saying them out loud.  Then he went back to work(till 10pm bleh) and I decided to just, keep on keepin on, and try not to let my children take the brunt of my downer. I have to talk to myself as say things like: 
Laugh Amie, just laugh. Stay calm, stay calm, smile, just breath and walk away.   
I sound crazy don't I? Well it helps. Maybe those crazy people are onto something.  Clean house always helps, so I bribed my helpers with snow cones.  Totally worth it.  

By bedtime my mindset had changed back to normal. I'm back on track.  Pumped to make my life awesome.
I've just been thinking about this year. It has been a hard year actually.  It is so hard for me to see any growth or change for the better in myself EVER.  But looking back on this year the growth of Devin and I as people, is obvious to me in so many ways. I attribute a lot of it to stinking trials. We had a couple of doozies.   Over. Done and aaaalmost healed. Lessons learned.  Easiest just to look forward at this point.  One day I know we'll be able to look back at our young selves with kindness and understanding and maybe even fondness.  Right now we just cringe. So we focus forward and upward, put our blinders on and not look side to side. If I feel myself mentally slipping, we tell ourselves that this is what we felt is best for our little family, whether its loftier than other's goals or way lower it's whats best for us.  Keepin our eye on the ball.
Another thing that I think has made this year a year of growth I think is setting goals.  We love goals. We set them every year. In fact it seems like we set the same goals for 10 years in a row.  We don't accomplish them. Not completely.  This year we set our 5 year goals and taped them on the wall in our closet.  Then our 2012 goals and taped them up in our bathroom.  Seeing them every morning and night is so helpful.  We are not going to make them 100% But maybe 80%. And that thrills me. 
I know we are being helped as we've had small and big miracles of opportunity open up so that some of those goals that are so important to us could be fulfilled and some instances surpassed. 
Another thing that has surely helped in growth is our church assignments. Demanding on time but also to swallow pride and just do what your asked too no matter how scary it is, and then to see it turn out okay, or sometimes even awesome, gives us confidence.  Sometimes still it has been complete disaster. That has been good for me. I feel like I'm gonna die. But then I don't. And the fear of messing up is eased a bit. Life goes on even if you make an idiot of yourself.  People forget. I hope. 
Also I have to attribute Devin.  He is a really good natural health doctor. You know what?  He really is.
Yes that is coming from me the biggest skeptic of them all. Poor Devin. It is not easy to treat or train your spouse not matter what profession you may be. But especially THIS spouse. But he has helped me so much. More than any doctor or drug has ever.  
My mind is clearer, my body is better, absolute motivation has replaced by frustration and hopelessness.  I just feel instinctively that I finally found the path that will  help me reach optimum health. A gift from Devin. Another of the millions of non tangible gifts this man has given me.  What a unmeasurable blessing he is.  A healer in every sense of the word.
Maybe all this above is just rubbish and the real reason is that Devin and I are turning 30 this year!
Maybe it's immature to say I feel myself maturing, but I do.  I feel myself calming a bit.  I'm actually learning to like myself a bit more even though my stupidness and weaknesses are becoming more glaringly obvious to me that is hurts. As I laugh at myself a lot more, I also do at others and feel now that I can completely accept people with all their faults.  I wish my old friends lived closer so I could now fully enjoy them.  Not because they have faults but because, I can just chilax and have more fun now that I'm not mentally beating myself up constantly.  If this is what growing older does to a person than by all means. I welcome it!
In keeping theme with accepting real life, here are a bunch of real life un-posed un-edited pictures.
I'm starting to like these kind best. See? Change.  
Date night.
Hunger Games at our own personal Theatre. (Devin's office) 
Our Date nights NEVER go as planned. 
Why should our pictures?

Really our dates most often fall to pieces.  We'll just have to keep trying. :) 

 Before and after of our Sunday spring rolls.
It's always amazing how something so appetizing can turn into so un appetizing in the matter of minutes.

When I listen to conference on lds.org, Gage folds his arms. So cute.
 Sunday breakfast.  I learned to Poach an egg.  So proud. 
 We go through a box of band aids weekly. I try to blame the kids but...
 I consider myself to be pretty backwoods sometimes but really?
If this is normal how have I lived nearly 30 years without seeing one.


Elisabeth (and Tyler) said...

I love, love, love this post. So much. And while I loved the pictures, I really loved the words even more. Thank you for sharing your heart with me today.. I needed to know that I'm not alone. You're incredible, and I hope with all my heart that someday we can live closer to you guys. You're my favorites. And I totally get a kick out of your kids. And husband :) You're amazing. Like, really.

Kendra said...

30?! What? I would have never known1 Now you let the number out of the bag! Just remember that everyone goes through these fun rollercoaster rides that we call life. Up and down and sometimes upside down, but you are amazing and normal (I like to pretend that I am normal sometimes!)! Just remember that! YOU rock!

Suze said...

up down up down up down... I feel you, friend. If I can reduce my experience with your church to one most important lesson, I think the greatest and most powerful lesson was that analogy about the mountain valley. Really changed my perspective. Hard to remember most of the time though.

Yess- you are so accepting. So much so that I will always remember you for the way you treated me and how good that made me feel!

Oh 30.

And I love the pictures! But i read the post too bc that's how I roll :)

Cindy Spratling said...

Be unedited more often! YOu are so beautful inside and out. Crazy, I had one of those days yesterday too. And I woke up feeling all crazy and sorry for myself today. Ben is soooo patient with me when I get like that. But this morning he gave me a good talking to and told it to me straight! Not what I wanted at the moment, but totally what I needed! It took me a few hours to get over it, but then when I did and decided to change my perspective I felt a huge wieght lift off my shoulders. Good thing I got myself a good man to keep me sane! PS: You are dressing so cute these days. You always do, but super duper cute lately! Come down and take me shopping!

Meg said...

Oh I needed this today. To know I'm now alone in my craziness. I had my downer day starting yesterday afternoon into this morning. I feel myself coming out of it but it's hard. I'd love to hear more of what Devin has done for your healing. I could use a lot less frustration and hopelessness in my life and A LOT more motivation. I want to grab life by the horns and run with it. I want to fear less and love more. I want to be more understanding and less judgmental and I want to see more positive then negative. Can he do anything for me this far away or am I hopeless? ;)
You are such an awesome person. I wish we would have connected more while you were here. And for the record I have never seen a live bait vending machine either. Weird!