Sometimes I have bad days. Now I realize on bad days 99.9% of the time are because I am not having a grateful heart. So now I call them my "ungrateful day." I even warn Devin. "I'm feeling super ungrateful today so if I feel the need to plan why I need to redo every gross room in the house and complain about my body and the dirty carpet and my calling and anything that walks in front of me... don't take it personally. And I'll try really hard not to be mean BUT... " Then he laughs and tries to talk me out of it. But that won't work. I need my stewing time. Even if I know the reason, it takes a good day of just being on edge for me to finally put on some great Pandora, accomplish some random small goal and have Devin come home It won't be till he bursts in the door after his loooongest day of work ever and after each child tackles him and I try to avoid all eye contact because I've been in the kitchen the entire day and I've swept 4 times and their is still crumbs STUCK to my feet. He then tackles me. And I get mad but he keeps laughing and finally I melt and laugh and apologize for me to really SNAP me out of it.
Today though? Today is not one of those days. Today I ate a piece of licorice before breakfast. And it made me smile. Today I took the kids grocery shopping and Naomi helped me pick out tulips for our table for Valentine's dinner. My heart felt it was gonna burst with love at watching Nay and her dress and favorite polka dot tights and pink rain boots and pig tails try to teach her brother how to skip down the sidewalk even though she can't skip at all. And I had the distinct vision of the future me unloading groceries to an empty house and so wishing Gage was still there insisting that the single box of cereal is not enough for a big boy like him to carry in and is yelling at me: "I HEP you MAMA. Pwease. I hep you carry it." And demands I let him carry big bags that are too heavy for him even though it means cans are rolling under the car and will stay there till I carry a sleeping Gage to the car this afternoon to go pick up his older brother from school. Gage will glare at me until we get too the school and we see Cache walk as slow as he can across the huge playground, kicking snow, chasing other kids until he is almost the last child left and we have been waiting for 15 minutes, then when he gets 20 feet from the car he will sprint as fast as any 7 year old ever has and run SMACK into the side of the car and fall down. Because he thinks it's funny and worth getting a big lecture every day from his mother. Then Gage's glare turns into a laugh. He throws his blanket and binky down. (Which we will search for before bedtime all over the house and then remember it is in the car.) Yes today is not one of those days. My house is grungy and cluttered and yes I will spend the rest of the day trying to undo that, while little hands make new ones, so that by the end of the day, it won't look much different. Maybe even worse.
Today that is okay though. It is a beautiful mess. My heart is full and I am so grateful.